stop trying so hard to relate to people
it has always been one of my biggest pet peeves–when asked how you are or venting about your life to another–they whip out the “i know “‘EXACTLY’ how you feel” card…it’s like bitch, no. you. do. not.
the idea behind this relatability is *good,* i would argue. you are out here in this world, trying to make connections, seeing what you have in common. but demanding that you know all the details, the previous influence, and internal/external repercussions that the person is experiencing, to the exact degree…that’s just not true. frankly, it tends to come off as so arrogant and cuts off the stream of expression coming from the original party.
it is vital to give someone the space and time to let things out if you are allowing them to do so in your space. if you said something like “ yeah homie, talk to me!” you have instigated a shared space with the other person. the connection has already been made. the desire for you to be linked to that person has already been formed…they already feel close enough to you to be sharing this bit of their life with you. and you’ve acknowledge that and boosted them to the platform they needed to let things out in the way they want//know how.
when you go into a tangent of your relatability, which inherently already has two factors that completely differ from their *personal* experience, it narrows that experience, making it smaller and squishing it to fit into the confines of YOUR experience. look, we are already approaching the words that are coming out of their mouth with a bias…but to enforce it is on you.
i say this with a natural bias…some people will not be bothered by this; some also haven’t really thought about it and now maybe become annoyed at this experience in the future. some people really do feel more connected when hearing other people’s stories, tending to feel more normal, and that’s maybe what they are looking for from the conversation. but i also think questions like: “do you know what i mean?” or “what are your thoughts on this?” or “have you ever experienced something like this?” OR my personal favorite “what do you think?” can easily open up that dialogue with maintain the intentions of this instigated conversation…the instigator chose to open up this narrative…let them guide it.
ALSO, i am writing this not only to vent my own frustration, but also to really remind MYSELF of this. i am that bullshit piscean empath that feeds her ego on understanding people and taking care of peoples hearts and inviting people in to create a space that goes beyond the superficial. (i also am a neurotic over-sharer) and i indulge in this learned behavior more than i would even like to admit. like honestly, i do not actually relate to your story about how you grew up with an active parent that pushed you to be involved in a slew of activities growing up and would show up at all your games and whatever. i mean i could easily talk about how much my mom loved me and quietly instilled the baseline of functioning to be incredibly hardworking and loyal to your commitments; but that results that we both somehow adapted was reached on very different paths.
going into the macro and micro implications of this tendency is something i am letting my brain do, but i’ll keep those there for now.
